It’s a Saturday in Durban. Normally I would be dressed in slip-ons, a t-shirt and a pair of linen pants sipping on an ice-cold beer, watching the waves break the shore from my favourite bar but instead I am in a blazer and dressed all formal and sweating not only from the heat but also the nerves! Saturday was the day I went to lobola Dineo!

Now for those of you who don’t know what lobola is, here’s a quick rundown. Lobola is when a man sends his uncles to his future in-laws to ask for their daughter’s hand in marriage. Sounds simple... I wish it was! The proceedings differ depending on the tribe but generally, there’s an exchange of gifts from both families – in my case, it was a bottle of whisky. Then there are negotiations on the bride’s price. In the olden days, it would have been cattle, but whatever they would have charged in cattle, I think I would have struggled to fit even one beast in the boot of my sedan! So, we had to bring cash. Being the one entrusted with handling the cash, I could see my cousin also wiping the sweat off his forehead – also not only from the heat but too nervous to take his jacket off in fear of losing my hard-earned money.

My team of negotiators - appearances mean everything on these occasions.

As we approached the house where the negotiations would take place, I reminded my emissaries of what will be expected of them - upon arrival a boy will be waiting at the gate to usher them in, but before speaking to him, they MUST pay him. Once in the house, they have to say out loud the clan names of the Pheta family (my fiancé’s family) and present the bottle of whisky as a token. They will be asked which daughter they are there for and presented with all the daughters in the family. They MUST choose the right one, which should be easy because my Dineo would be the prettiest! Besides she would have a little bulge showing as we’re expecting. Speaking of which, before my uncles came the day before, I had to do another type of ceremony called “Ukugeza umuzi” (house cleansing). Having a child before lobola is frowned down upon and I had to pay what is referred to as “damages”; luckily, I had made my intentions of paying lobola known long before we fell pregnant and had intended to do it but the pandemic happened, so they went easy on me and all I had to bring was a goat. The whole process was funny though, kind of felt like a drive-by, I drove to the front of the gate, dropped off the goat, a case of beer and a bottle of vodka for good measure and drove off.

Once negotiations are done, the new bride is given a blanket to wear over her shoulders as a sign she’s taken. My sister did the honours of dressing her sister-in-law.

Now I didn’t have a huge arsenal of uncles to choose from but was glad about the two that would represent me. Dressed in suits, they oozed with confidence and swag, and I wondered whether they were seasoned pros or if it was the couple of beers we had prior; either way, fingers were crossed that all goes well. I had to stay outside, and the wait seemed to take forever. Eventually my phone rang and my cousin told me what they had charged. I was then invited into the house and introduced to the family as a worthy son-in-law, sounds so good I have to type it again, worthy son-in-law!

Now we wait for the new edition to our little family and our extended Sabi Sabi family.